Advice to Lance and Others, from Dear Abby
By Adam K. Raymond
Upon her death, Pauline Esther Phillips, known to most as Dear Abby, left behind a catalog of advice so robust it includes sage words for any conceivable quandary. Struggling with a long-toenailed husband? Abby’s on the case. Considering a pet primate? She’s got you there, too.
But in order to receive Abby’s advice one must ask for it, and that’s something this week’s newsmakers should have done. Perpetuating a monumental lie for over a decade and destroying other’s lives so it won’t be exposed? Abby could have helped! Carrying on a long-distance relationship with a woman you’ve never met while playing linebacker for Notre Dame? She’s got wisdom for that, too! After a week in which people could have dearly used Dear Abby’s advice, here are some words of wisdom she gave others that would have helped:
For “Formerly-Juiced and Now Contrite” or Lance Armstrong
(Originally written to a kid who was cheating in school)
“It is vital that you understand that when you cheat, the only person who gets cheated is yourself… At some point you will have to take responsibility for your actions — and from my perspective, the sooner you do it, the better off you’ll be.”
For “Led on By Fake Dead Girlfriend” or Manti T’eo
(Originally written to a woman skeptical of a man her sister met online)
“Since you don’t know his background, contact the police department in the city in which he lives and ask if he has a record. Then Google him to find out if there’s any information about him online. ”
For “Insulted By Howard Stern” or Lena Dunham
(Originally written to an overweight woman who encountered insults)
“Because a jackass brays doesn’t mean you have to take it to heart. The individuals making those unkind remarks are trying to make themselves feel superior by putting you down. Please don’t let it discourage you.”
For “Hands Off My Guns” or the NRA
(Originally written to someone advising shop keepers to keep guns)
“If you are suggesting that perhaps if every American had a gun in his home, it would rescue the national incidence of homicide and robbery, I would remind you that unless one is well trained in the use of firearms, he is better off without them.”
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In the after thoughts of these situations these are funny. I think all in all people should be more disappointed with them but to develop hate over these situations towards the individuals involved is dumb. Unless you have been in their shoes and experienced this before then you are a hypocrite to pass judgement for you don’t know how you would respond in these situations. Also, why do people think heroes can not have flaws cause understand even in the comic books heroes have flaws. Leave your former heroes be and find new ones or accept they are flawed and keep them either way it is time to move on.
No Seriously this guy is funny.
The third part of this hilarious comedian.